I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
