i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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