o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
i've created a new STD.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
