he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
