So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
