what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize