you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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