Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
where am i from again
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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