Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
