I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
