I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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