saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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