I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Randomize
