Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
