Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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