then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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