just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
