i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
