Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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