a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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