Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Randomize
