SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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