I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
