Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
