The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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