hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
