So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
