Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
