it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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