sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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