Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
