i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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