Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
