I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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