Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
