i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
