That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Did I show you my penis last night?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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