im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
