your room smells of hookers.
And success
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
