Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
