life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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