saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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