um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
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