i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
