Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
