i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
