No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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