went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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