If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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