I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
