There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Everyone says I win the strip club
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
