im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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