My underwear smells like fireworks.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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